A crayfish feast at a castle in Sweden. – Drinking. Singing. Laughing. And later, dancing.
I fell on the dance floor, hit my head on a glass table, got a minor concussion and was pretty confused. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and to gather my self (whatever that is). Someone had pulled over a couple of chairs and a couple of guests were cracking jokes. A mild rain cooled sweaty bodies between dances. Summer was kind that year and a light blue nightlight peeked through branches of tall old trees whispering promises of hope and new beginnings. I noticed the surroundings. And I heard the chit-chat and the gentle friendliness. I appreciated it. But it was as had I been catapulted out of the party. My mental mirror had cracked in the fall and I couldn’t mend it right away. The party continued as I sneaked up to my room and everyone was dancing, laughing and drinking long after I went to bed. Afraid to go to sleep because of my head injury, I lay listening to the party sounds at a distance; a comforting unified soundscape only with a few peeks and lows.
Slowly I became aware of other sensations: Now, a noisy silence was ringing in my ears and the intrusive smell of smoke in my hair became very present. It was cold in the room even in the bed. I shivered and put on a t-shirt. The light of the summer night had disappeared and left me in a void of deep endless blue. The massive silence increased into a roar from the depth of a mountain cave, now totally suppressing distant sounds of joy, echoing the certainty of all deaths.
I closed my eyes and gave up. ‘What is, is!’ I reminded myself. ‘Notice reality instead of occupying yourself with fantasies of fear.’ I kept repeating the sentence like a mantra thereby slowly submitting to my faceless fear. Scattered images started to appear as I relaxed deeper. One image caught my attention and I followed it with interest: I find myself in a shower. As the water hits my skin I see all colours being showered of running down my body and seeping into the drain leaving my shape first translucent and soon dissolving. Losing uniqueness as all colours blend into brown. Becoming a comforting nothingness unified with the ocean and the endless sky. I let myself be enveloped in a deep blue that echoed in the area of my long gone body’s heart. And here from above, I observe how the sense of ‘me’ slowly is absorbed by something bigger.
What bliss to disappear, to give in. I surrender myself to infinity.
The next morning I saw a pair of dancing shoes outside in the grey morning light. Standing next to the ashtray, they looked like a couple of brave soldiers ready anytime to be called into duty as they had been many times before. I imagined a woman in a slightly creased silver dress with a sweet-smelling sweat stain between her wings fluttering back inside in bare feet to continue dancing in the small library that for the occasion was set up as a disco with stroboscope light and a hardworking DJ playing way too loud music. And later, laughingly and a little tipsy, she would be kissing the rest of the guests good night and retire arm in arm with her husband to her room to fall in an uneasy sleep from too many aquavits and cigarettes. I wondered if she heard the sound of silence as well just before she slid into her dream…
I like the way the cigarette buds turned out. – It’s interesting how orange, the brown looks when it is placed next to blue.